Monday, June 4, 2012

How To Get Fat

Eat nutritionally void foods mostly, to develop a constant craving for more unhealthy, calorie dense foods. See if you can create a strong craving using this method. Usually you'll crave things like chocolate or Twinkies if you need certain vitamins so don't take supplements either. This will also cause your logical resistance to these foods to diminish by lowering the function of the brain since it won't be receiving all the nourishment it needs (see Donut Effect).

Eating these nutritionally void foods will also lower your body's ability to function properly and since it is in your body's best interest to maintain energy levels and stay at a healthy weight, your body won't have the sustenance to keep those mechanisms up and will have no choice but to be lethargic and toxic, resulting in the desired weight gain!

Avoid vegetables - especially superfoods and greens. Fruits are almost just as bad - only eat them in dried form or canned in sugar. Best if eaten as a syrup on pancakes at IHOP.

Avoid any extra activity. I have heard that exercise can supercharge your metabolism and it might also make you feel good about yourself (which ultimately might make you reconsider this plan). Not good.

10,000 steps a day is apparently the target amount of steps for optimal fitness. Buy a pedometer to see how many steps you are typically taking and if you are finding yourself taking anywhere near this amount, try to take it easy. Change your habits to lesson your steps.

Ways to lesson your activity:
  • Park as close to the door at Walmart as possible. Even if you have to drive around the parking lot for a few extra minutes or watch for someone to come out of the store and leave a good spot, it's worth the extra time waiting to avoid having to take any more steps than you have to.
  • Use elevators instead of stairs.
  • Get a DVR from your local cable or satelite provider, determine which shows you are most interested in and set them up to record so you will never run out of things to watch on TV. Even when nothing is on, you will have your favorite shows to watch!
  • Shop online instead of going to the mall or Walmart. Walking around means extra steps and going outside might inspire you to exercise or something.

Choose foods that are a combination of high carbs (simple carbs like white flour and sugar are best) and high fat. Donuts and french fries are excellent options!

Don't eat breakfast. This is important, so I repeat, don't eat breakfast! This is the #1 way to lower your metabolism and kick start your weight gain. Try to skip meals when you can to trick your body into thinking there's a pending shortage of food so it will lower your metabolism and hold onto the fat you are working to keep.

If you find yourself considering eating healthy, eat a salad with no cheese and fat free dressing. This will help you REconsider next time you have an idea like that!

The fats used in fast food restaurants are the kind you want. Avoid healthy oils - especially coconut oil, olive oil, fish oil, flaxseed oil, etc. These are likely to derail your efforts.

Check your local used book store for the books called Eat This, Not That and only eat the 'This' foods and avoid the 'That' foods. Whatever you do, DON'T get any of the other books in that section though. No matter how tempting it is, don't read other books about weight and especially this blog, because what you think about, you get more of!

One except to that last rule - if the book is about restrictive diets like counting calories, low-fat diets or Atkins, you might try switching to this strategy. You will lose weight at first but this will help you gain weight in the long run because whatever weight you lose, always comes back with more!

Good luck and happy gaining!


Nettie Beard said...

Hahaha! You're a dork but I love you anyways!

aMY g said...

Gee thanks! :)